Updated: Jan 27
Codependency is a relational and behavioral pattern characterized by a pervasive and excessive reliance on another person for emotional, psychological, or even physical well-being. In codependent dynamics, individuals often prioritize the needs and desires of others to the detriment of their own, fostering a sense of identity and self-worth that is heavily intertwined with the responses and actions of those they are emotionally connected to. Codependency may manifest as an intense desire to control or "fix" others, an obsessive focus on their behaviors, a tendency to neglect personal boundaries, and an overwhelming fear of abandonment. This pattern can be rooted in learned behaviors from early relationships or familial environments, contributing to a cycle of unhealthy dependency that hinders individual growth and autonomy.
The Dynamics of Codependency in Relationships
In codependent relationships, the emphasis on meeting the needs of or influencing another person is perceived as beneficial and validating. The choices made by the other person are closely tied to one's self-image, driving a compulsion to control and modify their behaviors. Key examples of codependency include obsessively monitoring a partner's behavior, attempting to control or fix them, enabling harmful behaviors, lacking personal boundaries, betraying self to be chosen, and experiencing anxiety or fear of abandonment upon separation.
Breaking Free from Codependent Patterns: Practical Tips
Raise Awareness:
Reflect on your interactions within close relationships.
Recognize Intrinsic Worth:
Acknowledge that your self-worth is not defined by others.
Affirm Your Value:
Recognize your inherent value and deservingness of love.
Identify Unique Talents:
Identify your unique talents, gifts, and contributions to the world.
Validate Your Reality:
Acknowledge the validity of your reality and experiences.
Cultivate Authenticity:
Practice being authentic even when it challenges others.
Establish Boundaries:
Practice setting and maintaining personal boundaries.
Prioritize Joy and Fulfillment:
Say 'No' to activities that don't bring joy or fulfillment.
Challenge Perceptions:
Recognize that others' perceptions of you do not define your truth.
Acknowledge Inner Strength:
Acknowledge your internal grace, wisdom, and courage.
Let Go of Control:
Accept the inability to change or fix another person.
Focus on Personal Changes:
Redirect focus towards making personal changes for meaningful experiences.
Seek Support:
Join a support group or start individual counseling.
Grieve and Stay Present:
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of codependent relationships and stay anchored in the present moment when reflecting on your relationship.
By understanding these dynamics and implementing these practical tips, individuals can break free from codependent patterns, fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Updated: Jan 27
Attachment theory originated by John Bowlby and attachment styles were later researched in the Mary Ainsworth strange situation study that looked at babies, 12-24 months old and how they reacted when primary caregivers and strangers exited and re-entered the room. This revealed the way the child had bonded to their caregivers which then served as a working model for the child's relationships throughout adulthood. Attachment styles exist on a spectrum and individuals can have a combination of multiple styles. Attachment styles inform the way we interact in relationships and can be changed with awareness, intentionality and practice.
Secure attachment: Children in the study were both able to self soothe on their own and respond positively when the parent returned to the room.
Parenting that leads to this style: Parents are available to the child when needed while also allowing freedom for exploration. Parents are able to monitor their own feelings/emotions to remain calm when interacting with their child. Parents encourage kids to express both positive and negative emotions. Parents are able to discuss their own mistakes as teaching tools in front of the kids.
Traits as adults: Securely attached adults are able to judge each relationship independently instead of overgeneralizing, they can think in shades of gray, deal with others' differences, have a comfortability with closeness and time alone, can use assertive communication to identify needs, cope well with disappointments, maintain their own identity, are able to deal with others' emotions without enmeshment, have a balance of give and take in relationships, and are generally resilient.
Dismissive Avoidant: Children in the study showed minimal distress when caregivers exited the room and minimal acknowledgement when they returned. Children were indiscriminate when reacting to caregivers or other strangers in the room.
Parenting that leads to this style: Parents send the message that their children shouldn't express negative emotions. Emotions might be seen as weakness. Parents may be authoritarian, workaholics, value productivity and can be highly critical.
Traits as adults: Dismissive avoidant adults are highly independent, industrial, can be workaholics, shy away from emotions, are comfortable being alone, invest less in deeper attachments with others, often successful at work, like autonomy, go for leadership roles, productive, have difficulty witnessing other's frailty, and are emotionally distant. May feel inadequate, underserving of love, have low self esteem and unrealistic expectations of self.
Tips to move towards secure: Practice being present and witnessing others' emotions, practice comforting friends/family, make more eye contact with others in distress, practice empathy on a daily basis with strangers, practice valuing self care, time with others, and time outside of work.
Anxious Preoccupied- Babies seemed distressed when caregivers were in the room and when they exited the room. Babies had difficulty returning to baseline emotions and independent activities even after parents returned as they were not easily soothed.
Parenting that leads to this style: Unpredictable temperament, often busy and unavailable, sometimes meet their child's needs and other times are neglectful.
Traits as adults: Tend to be needy, clingy, seek excessive external validation, ask for an abundance of nurturance from their partner, will give up their own needs to satisfy another's needs, more at risk for abusive relationships as they will sacrifice their own needs to be in a relationship, serial daters, difficulty with and avoidance of being alone, tend to choose dismissive avoidant partners which perpetuates insecurities, might choose jobs where they are part of a pack, can receive lots of validation and/or tend to assume passive roles.
Tips to move towards secure: Establish a strong sense of self, learn skills to self sooth, improve emotional regulation skills, improve interpersonal effectiveness skills, learn to communicate needs in an assertive way, practice spending time alone by going out to lunch or coffee alone, doing activities at home, start a new hobby alone, explore personal interests alone, and increase overall independence. Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing to cope with anxiety. Use Cognitive Defusion: Preface thoughts with...."I'm having the thought that"..... (to raise awareness and create separation from your thoughts instead of being enveloped in them)
Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment: Children would react in a disorganized way by reacting harshly, angry or dismissive towards parents when they returned to the room while also showing distress in their parents absence.
Parenting that leads to this style: May have had erratic parenting styles with unpredictable availability to meet their child's needs. Can be abusive/neglectful to the child. Mixture of being dismissive, anxious and/or available towards their child. Parents often struggling with their own emotions decreasing their ability to meet the needs of their child. Parents are both a source of fear and needed for the child to meet their needs.
Traits as adults: Adults desire and fear relationships at the same time. More prone to anxiety and depression. Associated with Borderline Personality Disorder and fear of abandonment. Less stable in relationships (hot and cold). Tend to have more sexual partners than other attachment styles due to going with the flow of relationships instead of identifying their preferred relationship. May cut off relationships when feeling others are getting too close or whey they feel hurt by another's actions. Distressed if too many demands are made of them.
Tips to move towards secure: Sit with your uncomfortable emotions before reacting. Give an additional 24 hours to explore your own discomfort with intimacy before reacting. Check in with others you trust when unsure if your boundaries are too rigid in relationships. Establish consistency in relationships. Practice assertive communication to identify needs. Practice asking others for help.
https://traumasolutions.com/attachment-styles-quiz/ - Free Attachment Quiz
https://www.anxietycanada.com/ Informational website
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheets/anxiety/adults Educational Worksheets
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety Educational Worksheets
https://www.uh.edu/caps/resources/self-help/ University of Houston Self Help Resources
https://mhahouston.org/mental-health-resources/adult-family/ MHA of Greater Houston
